I glimpsed some odd adverts on Facebook today. I am to buy cheap Jaguars (the car) with a military discount, go to Manchester Metropolitan University, and while in Manchester avail myself of Manchester Escorts, get myself some public liability insurance and some heavy-duty shelving. Clearly, this is how I should be arranging my life. I should sign up at MMU, join the TA, buy a car to collect escorts, and then stack them on sturdy shelving - once I have registered myself as a company. If the ladies fall off the shelving, I shall be all right, because my public liability insurance should cover any legal problems resulting from such a fall. I just have to register my company's purpose as being to store young ladies on shelves, and have a health and safety risk assessment done.
I admit that this is not the way I had planned to live, and I'm still not at all sure how to make a profit out of having young ladies on evening gowns sit on resilient shelves. Perhaps I have misconstrued the adverts. What do you think of this alternative reading? I hire several young ladies, one to join the military and buy several cars on my behalf, another to attend MMU and learn how we can make a profit out of this, and a third to assemble some redoubtable shelves on which I can stack all these cheap Jaguars I shall be buying. I'll get the public liability insurance for her in case she injures herself while assembling the shelves.
No, no, how about this? I go to MMU, and get myself a student loan. Rather than study, I sign up and buy myself a new car, which I register as a public company, making one of these escorts the Finance Director or somesuch. I take it with me to a war zone on completion of my training, and wait for someone to start taking pot shots at it. I also have to take some sturdy shelves, from which I shall construct a barricade behind which I can hide from whoever's shooting the car. With the large insurance payout I can repay my student loan.
I think that's pretty much a foolproof plan.