Friday, 15 July 2011

Warhammer Empire Insurance Salesman

 This image is not mine. I found it here.
I haven't posted for a few days, for which I make no apology, as my great-aunt's been visiting us. We've had a nice time strolling round some local stately homes and high streets. But that is not what I wish to speak of to you today. Before I go any further, let me remind you of my Ebay sales. Right, now those of you not enamoured of toilet humour may want to stop reading right away, as the following is very silly.

I haven't played Warhammer (as opposed to 40K) since I was a teenager, but bubbles occasionally burst on the surface of my mind. For some reason that errant thought today was about flying creatures. Orcs and Goblins have their wyverns, dragons are good for everyone, griffons here, pegasi there, great eagles are over in the woods.If I remember properly, there's even a zoo in Altdorf where assorted monstrosities live, such as the Emperor's griffon, Whatsisname the Half-Fluffy. Yeah, my memory isn't that extensive. Anyway, there's a fair number of flying beasties both roaming about wild and in private menageries. My mate brought this to mind by pointing out to me how annoying seagulls can be with their droppings. How much worse it must be when the creature's as big as a horse.

Think of blue ice from aeroplanes. Granted, magical beasties may have a lower flight ceiling, but I have heard that dropping a penny off the Eiffel Tower is enough to kill some person stood at its foot. Be that as it may, it would give you a hell of a ding. Now imagine some flying beast the size of an elephant has voided its bowels above you. This sort of thing is not to be taken lightly! That sort of load could demolish a roof or mangle a man. Or at least generate a Back to the Future reference as Baron Biff von Tannen screams his rage at the blue . . . through the brown.

But if a peasant dies in Bretonnia, the local lord doesn't really mind too much. He would be in a bit of a situation if he demolished the roof of the local shrine to the Lady. The Empire has its aristocrats, too, but it also has merchants. Grand men who travel here and there, or who sit still and send their subordinates to take wool or bring brass. You can't risk the sort of damage flying monsters can do to your precious load, so it's probable that - if insurance exists at all - it covers "the sky falling on one's head". If you live in a city, it's probably still wise to take out a policy. There's a gap in the market for a short story about an insurance salesman warning people of the dangers. "Did you know, my lord, that you are seventeen times more likely to be slain by plummeting excrement than by marauding goblins? I have the figures in my bag."

Of course, it isn't all bad. There are potential benefits to agriculture. Although one has to weigh the benefit of more manure against it crashing into your wheatfield at a speed of ten metres a second. I fancy that might damage the crop. Of course, nobody would ever assume crop circles to be of alien origin in the Warhammer Fantasy world, as they are probably accustomed to all sorts of patterns, such as an exclamation mark, say. Another possible benefit is in warfare. There is surely room in Warhammer Fantasy to expand the rules to cover feeding laxatives to winged creatures, giving them the option to launch a "bombing run", but carrying negative impacts on their WS or whatever. I know I don't feel at full strength when I'm hit by such things! Though I have to admit that I'm just a human, not a flying feathered fiction.

If you have read this far and are dismayed at the toilet humour thus far displayed, I did warn you right at the start! So, naughty reader who is unshocked at all this, ah, filth, I leave you with a short ditty composed by my mate (his blog is here) which can be sung to the tune of Where the Buffalo Roam. The next update should cover making stuff for vehicles in some more detail. Until then farewell!

Alone on my own,
Where the pegasi roam,
Dropping s**t that could kill a bear,
I'm so happy, you see,
For protecting me
Is Altdorf travelling Merchant Insurance care!

1 comment:

  1. Here was yours mate.

    Fart-splat-argh! Fart-splat-argh! Fart-splat-argh!
    "Man, what a s**tty thing to happen."
    "S**t happens."
    "Shut up!"


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